joy

dear mom,

I used to write you letters all the time. Usually when I was at my most distressed. I would type furiously into Notepad, sitting in the darkness of my bedroom, tears streaming down my face. I didn't have another outlet for these big feelings at the time.

But I don't think I've ever written to you about my more content or even joyous days. If you only had my letters, past and present, to go by, maybe you'd be incredibly sad that your daughter couldn't figure out how to create her own happiness. It's still a work in progress, but I think 16-22 years later, I have managed some hopefully successful coping mechanisms. This letter is almost a follow up from the last one.

I hosted my first dinner party that wasn't a potluck. Calling it a pop-up feels so official, but maybe that's what it was. I tapped one of my friends to help, and I listed the event with a ticket price, and people actually paid to let me feed them. I was focused and frazzled for three weeks but excited all the same. It went well, and I came away from it feeling so so... happy. I was in such a good mood all evening, which carried over into these following days (after the exhaustion subsided a little). I even teared up thinking about the little community I've managed to build and mix here. Not everyone I love was there, but I think it was still perfectly representative of the key groups I've come to rely on. I don't want to discredit the moments of quality time I spend with my friends on a more day-to-day basis, but while I feel good when I'm with them, I often settle back into my loneliness when I'm alone. It feels like it's been awhile since I felt such a sustaining amount of contentment. A resounding memory of this from a few years ago was when my friends planned a wine and spa day for my birthday post a breakup. Another more recent one was this year's Lunar New Year, when I also spent weeks folding dumplings to have everyone gather in my backyard - that was the weekend just before my car accident.

So I want to reassure you that sometimes I find my ups, and they aren't temporary distractions. I just wish I could share them with you, too.

In the aftermath of dinner, I am cobbling together the random bits and pieces into passable dishes. Slightly sad carrots get roasted in ginger oil and mitmita spice. A few leftover tomatoes go into more tomato and egg - this time draped over scallion milk bread toast that I made yesterday. I got a crisp apple pear from work that I sprinkled some ginger sugar over as a refreshing palate cleanser.

Leftover shio carrots go into a crunchy topping mix with slivered almonds, shallots, and sesame. I have had a packet of acorn flour for months now, which I'd been wanting to try. Have you had acorn jelly before? I thought it'd be kind of like liangfen but it's a bit more mushy and grainy. It's dressed in soy sauce marinade from my soy marinated tomatoes and garnished with pork floss.

I miss you in happiness too,

Amelia