dear mom,
It sounds silly to list it as a reason to be unhappy, but... there is no Asian grocery store in Santa Cruz. It's just that, how am I supposed to eat well. It was already discouraging enough that people would offer unsolicited comments about how the food scene is not great here.
And now I wonder if I feel like you might've when you first arrived to Pennsylvania. Was there an Asian grocery store in your radius? Did you ache for certain condiments or particular produce? Or were you lucky enough to be surrounded by a history of Chinese immigrants who settled and eventually opened their own grocery stores? I'm honestly surprised to be lacking this. Even in Wisconsin, I managed to quickly find my go-to groceries: Asian Midway Foods for my foundational items, Copps for my stock/budget items, Metcalfe's for nicer occasional items, Woodman's for bulk produce when I could make the haul out.
Here on the Westside of Santa Cruz, my easiest options are one of those fancy expensive wholistic spots without any generic brands... or Safeway. In a state so blessed with produce in general, let alone Asian produce, I feel another layer of isolation to be without any of it. On this side of highway 17, I am also cut off from my bags of greens I only know by sight and not name, superior snack aisles, my familiar fermented goodies and soy-based sauces, and a hefty meat and seafood counter.
I'm thinking about the story of Chinese American cuisine and how some dishes that became household staples were initially the result of adapting in a new world. I'm thinking about what you must've eaten in your first weeks and months of graduate school. Did you miss home? And then did you try to find it in your dinners? Did you find star anise and peppercorns, black vinegar and rice wine? Did you instead adapt to fast American food for ease and to save time? Was it more affordable to eat out back then?
I would be lying if I didn't cite the grocery stores as a reason to go back to Oakland frequently. I moved here with a bag of my pantry essentials without even realizing I would have to at least drive over the hill to San Jose to re-up. There's a limited selection of the Asian vegetables that are more mainstream, like Japanese eggplant and napa cabbage. I imagined you preparing dinner for you and maybe Dad on a particularly quiet night, while I washed and prepped my vegetables. I usually work through familiar rotations, the routine things I often crave: tomato and egg, green beans with oyster sauce, basil eggplant. But tonight I thought I'd change it up a little, something to keep my mind occupied. I blanched the green beans while making a sauce of ginger and black vinegar, realizing that my homecooked memories are made of someone else's food. I diced 4 or 5 cloves of garlic to marinate in sesame oil and pile atop sauteed eggplant, angry that I don't even remember what you used to cook for me anymore. I sprinkle chili flakes and splash white vinegar on my cabbage. Together, it tastes like a manufactured memory. Maybe this is how you fed yourself too when you were isolated - but thousands instead of tens of miles from home - just to find some comfort again.
missing you and your flavors,
Amelia
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