dear mom,
I didn't really celebrate your birthday, but I was very aware as it was approaching. And then I was aware on Saturday when I filled every hour with an activity or errand, where I didn't have time to eat a real meal.
I wonder if you enjoyed acknowledging or celebrating your birthday. I don't actually remember even any quiet fanfare for it growing up. I don't remember dad's either. Did you and Dad do something special for each other each year before I was born? Maybe we just weren't a birthday family. What does it even signify? That we somehow survived this exhausting world for yet another year.
I wonder how your parents celebrated you if they did. Was it a joyous thing? What about your friends? Did whatever school you attended provide a little treat and make your classmates sing to you?
After death, for me, some years it was a blur of a day. Some years, I didn't anticipate it coming and then I'd notice a bit of extra sadness and attribute it to something subconscious in me preparing for my season of landmines. A couple years, I did spend the day alone just thinking about you - nothing specific in particular. This year, I thought about you as I moved from the Farmer's Market to my ceramics studio to a crazy party you would absolutely disapprove of. I don't really know how it made me feel. I think this year, I've felt overwhelmed to the point of numbness about a lot of things. I'd like to think maybe you would understand, but I'm not really sure you would. I'm afraid you would treat mental illness like an inconvenience to overcome.
I'll be honest, I still haven't really fed myself a real meal since your birthday. I hesitate to even pretend like I would've found the space and time to make you a dish you might enjoy this year. I wonder if I would even remember to call you on your birthday, if that would be the relationship we have. It's hard to predict what could have been based on what is because you're dead, and that changes everything, All I know is that with each passing year, you feel just a little bit more dead, and I don't really know what to do about that feeling.
A couple weeks ago, I steamed some duck okonomiyaki baos that I had made a couple weeks before in case of emergency. It's shredded duck meat from a leftover carcass mixed with cabbage and carrots and homemade okonomiyai sauce. I garnished it with Kewpie mayo and furikake, and it was very very good. One year I asked Dad what your favorite foods were, and he told me he doesn't really remember... except that you did like Peking duck. Seems like an obvious favorite - it's not much to go on. But I think you'd probably like these bao. Saucey and hits all six tastes in one bite like having a Peking duck guabao with all the fixings.
happy belated birthday,
Amelia
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