dear mom,
Originally, the main thing I needed to fill you in on was that my therapist went on maternity leave, and she'll be on maternity leave until May. In an effort to somehow maintain that lost space for processing, I told myself I would write to you every Tuesday in place of a formal therapy session.
We're almost done with the second month of 2024, and I clearly did not manage the only resolution I made. It's because I lost my job. And then I went to Ecuador with Dad and Alfred. And then I prepped for two weeks for my Lunar New Year party while trying to ignore the mess that is unemployment and healthcare. And then I started a little internship that came together quicker than I anticipated. And now I'm just starting to gain my footing again. Which to me, means being able to feed myself real meals and sit down on my couch to stare into the ether and do stupid but necessary errands and resume my regular hobby schedule.
I'm hoping this personal injury case will wrap up soon [separate letter about a fantasy impact statement to come...]. I'm hoping to be able to make decisions about the direction of my life - which admittedly might not happen for another couple months. I haven't had you around during any pivotal decision in my life that I don't even know if I wish you were here to help me because I don't actually know if you would be helpful.
To be honest, I sometimes wonder if you would take Dad's side more than mine. I wonder if there would even be sides to take if you were around - maybe I would've turned out less controversial. You probably would not love that I ended up unemployed, doing an hourly job with no benefits. But I wonder if you would empathize with some part of it. I promise it's not a step backwards, though it may seem that way. I wonder if you would have advice for me. All I know is that you didn't (couldn't?) finish your PhD because of me - did that feel like a step backwards? Or did you feel like it opened your world a little bit? Did you feel at all relieved? Like you needed something unexpected, an external push, to break some of the momentum that made you feel like you were drowning. I think I'm just projecting.
It's honestly difficult to make life decisions when I'm also so afraid of what this life has to offer. Or not offer. The theme always comes back to food. If I'm just thinking about the next meals I'll eat or create, then I'm not thinking about how I'm just always going to be stuck playing this game that we can never win. I'll eventually get a job, but then for what? Maybe it'll slowly suck my soul dry again, and I'll dread waking up again just so I can pay my bills to continue dreading the next day and the next day and the next day. All while enveloped in guilt for feeling dread because no one is actively bombing my home or murdering my loved ones. On a smaller scale, it's like calling 911 in Oakland. "Ma'am are you actively dying? Is someone actively killing you right now?"
"Well... no."
"Sorry, there are other more pressing, more urgent, more important emergencies than yours going on right now." Click.
Anyways, I did find a moment of self care in the midst of all my constant food prep chaos in just buying a tray of soft tofu that I didn't need for something. Pretty much everything thus far that I've made for you, Mom, has been born of the remnants or extras of other food projects. I don't think that's a bad thing. In fact, it's often my favorite way of cooking - just throwing random shit together that I already had in my fridge or freezer. But I guess another soft resolution I had was really to conceive of more things I want to make for myself and not for an event or someone else. And in turn, I'd really be making something more intentional for you.
So I picked up some tofu and bok choy for the lobster broth I had in the freezer stash. I reheated the broth with garlic, black beans, and fermented carrots for a bit more dimension. I simmered it with wood ear mushrooms and dried bamboo until my entire apartment smelled like buttery seafood. Bok choy and tofu go in at the very end. And topped with chili oil, of course.
There's even enough to whip up a tofu and century egg salad for another meal. Marinated with black vinegar, soy sauce, and pickled chilies, A touch of Sichuan peppercorn for you. Extra bok choy is usually sauteed with oyster sauce as you would make it, but tonight I thought I'd toss it in a heaping spoonful of fermented tea leaves - a homemade lahpet that maybe you'd enjoy because it's fresh and gingery. Eaten with rice after having gone many months without it in my home. It felt so good to sit down with this meal.
I miss you through the mental fog.
-Amelia
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