change

dear mom,

It's weird, but it feels like my life is about to end. Not even in a dramatic way. It's just that, I have this sense that there is no more future for me, which is entirely contradicted by the fact that I'm about to move into a new home to start a new job in a new city to find new hobbies with new strangers, who will hopefully become new friends.

I keep joking that I've lost all grip on reality, but it kind of feels true. Can you both be so aware and also so unaware of what day it is? I feel like I've lost the ability to think about the future in terms beyond my friends' wedding date, and it's been like this for a couple months now. Like July 13 is fast approaching and somewhat clear... and then everything after that is just shades of grey. If this were a sci-fi film, it'd be like the expiration date of my shell of a body or something. And all my memories are scheduled to be erased. Cleaned and reset for the next conscience to bloom.

I feel at an arm's length distance from everyone I know, communications and plans sometimes feeling more draining than rejuvenating. Awkward and dissociated despite wanting to stay in the loop. Maybe this is just how my sadness is showing up. I've always looked forward to this kind of change - moving out of Los Alamos, moving into a dorm for college, briefly moving to Melbourne, moving to Madison, moving to Oakland. The anticipation of the journey always exciting as I carefully packed up my things, dreaming about what was to come. More often than not, I'd get to the new place and then find myself overcome with melancholy at the emptiness of being alone in a new place. Not in Oakland - though technically it was Orinda. Mom, you probably would've hated that I drove out here alone, my stuff tetrised into my little SUV, leaving not even space in the passenger seat. I think Dad did suggest he could join me, but I knew I would've lost my mind. [I wonder if I would've felt the same at the thought of a cross country roadtrip with you...] I felt decently settled here pretty quickly, pretty unperturbed by the warnings and safety tips my new roommates offered. And after almost eight years, I've finally made a home I don't want to leave. When you moved from Beijing to Pennsylvania to Florida to New Mexico, did you ever feel... sad? I don't even know if at any point you would've had a say. Did you always have to move to follow Dad's career prospects?

I wish you could come over and help me pack. Sort my things into necessities and comforts. I'd whip us up this spicy adobo with half a head of leftover cauliflower, leeks that were just starting to wilt, and potato because I bought a giant bag from Costco. Maybe it'd almost remind you of New Mexico and the life you built there. Would you have been reluctant to leave it? Would you have missed it?

I miss you in this season of change,

Amelia