broken hearted

dear mom,

When I was in grad school, I was blindsided by a short but intense relationship. It was definitely that I didn't expect to date anyone for the short time that I was planning to be in Wisconsin. But he came out of no where and he gave me attention and he gave me excitement and he wanted to be with me despite the distance. So I said yes. Let's try it.

I did like him, and I did like his company, and I looked forward to our visits. But if I'm honest, I felt content living out my student life with my long distance boyfriend - I liked the alone time. I needed the focus. I had friends to see and stuff to do in my city, and he seemed vaguely lonely, still trying to find his footing on the other side of the country.

And then I challenged him, and he heard my plea and decided it wasn't worth fighting for. It felt like the first time my heart was really broken since you died. We broke up abruptly. As I dropped him off at the airport. After Valentine weekend.

It wasn't really about him though. It was about the intensity of emotions I let myself build for him. It was about the layers I shed for him because he wanted me to trust him. It was about all the things he promised and planned. It was about the fact that we seemed like we could be building to a climax, and then he walked away. I felt abandoned. He abandoned me. And it broke my fucking heart because in that moment I needed you, Mom.

It was the first time in my young adult life that I recognized abandonment, and suddenly I was nine, losing you all over again. I think I channeled all my pain and anxiety into missing you. I missed his constant presence to share the mundane things in my day, but I needed you to be the gentle voice telling me I'll move on. I missed his touch, but I needed you to wrap me in a hug. I missed his silly jokes, but I needed you to laugh with me when I could recount that relationship as just a passing memory.

I think I held a curtain around my heart after that. It felt clear that no one would ever break my heart like you did. No would could ever hurt me the way you did.

I spent an evening crying to Olivia Rodrigo songs and watching animated movies while basting a butterflied chicken with a thick mixture of gochujang, soy sauce, vinegar, onion, garlic, and apple. If you were here, I'd ask you to come sit with me, so we could quietly watch tv together. Tonight, I would just need your company as I navigate another ending that will potentially crack my heart.

You know, Dad is afraid I'll never get married. Though I am indifferent to it. In the same way that I'm convinced I can never be shattered in the same way, I'm also convinced no one can love me the same way you did. I feel like I've been looking for signs, hoping for gestures that will finally make me feel unconditionally loved like that - I've been picking apart my shell, trying to make myself more vulnerable with this new boy who asks me to share my feelings and tell him what I need... but I still end up at the same place. Faced with this feeling that I'll never know love without you here.

I made a perilla leaf, peanut, and sesame dip to pair with the chicken. We would eat it like a snack board with saltines in front of the tv. I'd introduce you to the concept of "girl dinner" because sometimes when we're in turmoil, these little platters are the only things we can manage.

I miss you through the heartbreak,

Amelia