love i deserve

dear mom,

Tonight I'm thinking about what I deserve. My friends remind me over and over to protect my peace, and I want so desperately to know how to do that effectively. I wonder how differently I would receive love if you had been able to raise me. There's a lot of talk about attachment theory these days - I'd love to know what you'd think of it. Was human behavior and psychology something you were interested in? I feel like this is the kind of stuff Dad would scoff at. His narcissism wouldn't allow him to critically think about how his relationship with me might affect my relationship with other people. But would you consider it, Mom?

Would you lie awake wondering if you did everything right to make sure I developed healthy relationships with friends and partners?

Most of the time, it feels really hard to connect with people, especially romantically. It's getting easier to meet and talk in the getting-to-know-each-other stage, but after that passes, usually so does my interest. I would tell you it feels abnormal sometimes. That my ability to love is stunted, and so I don't even know how to evaluate for the love I receive from others. Would you tell me I was being silly?

But what would you expect? I lost you as my emotional anchor to this world. My first love - I was so attached to you. I trusted everything you said and did for me because you never gave me any reason to doubt you. I couldn't fathom a scenario where you wouldn't be there for me to run to. Until you weren't.

And I'm sure you'd hate to hear me say it, but I was left with the wrong parent. Dad didn't know how to love me like you did. Tonight I'm rough chopping whatever veggies I can find in the fridge. The odds and ends of other meals. A mishmash of leftover almost-shriveled ingredients that can be stir fried with doubanjiang, chilies, and garlic to make a quick dry pot. Over the sounds of sizzling and clanking, I'd want to tell you about how I traded my body for any drop of affection. I'd want to tell you about how exhausting it was to play into the roles magazines and online blogs tell me to play into because I didn't know any better, and we're all just trying to blindly look for someone to anchor to.

I wouldn't have to tell you that it's not very effective because you would probably point that out yourself. We'd probably eat in silence. I wonder if you'd feel pity for me. Or maybe you'd be disappointed. Or maybe you'd feel guilty for leaving me. Because if you were here you would've taught me self respect, right? You would've shown me what it means to love and be loved. You would've given me what I deserved.

I miss you, the love of my life,

Amelia